Happy New Year

It's a time to reflect, re-strategize, make plans and implement.

I pray for God's grace and wisdom and divine direction for us all. 2020 will see us thrive, break barriers and reach next level goals in Jesus' name. Amen!

Goals

Right now, the goal is to not stop writing. I keep thinking, my dynamics has changed, i'm not as interesting as i used to be. I'm now a married mother of two, what do i have to say that will appeal to anyone.

I used to be the kind of girl who would roll my eyes at mothers who go on and on about their kids! Do i now begin to write about my kids and become said type of mum? No!

Do i talk about my relationship? No, that would probably just annoy and depress me.

So, what? Nothing interesting ever happens to me anymore. It's like the world realized that i stopped participating so interesting things just stopped happening.

Well, World, I'm back!

Let the living begin, i'm alive!

PS: Dear Lord, i do not wish for a severe case of "be careful what you wish for". Great, positive vibes only, thank you!

Lost

I made it back.

Now, what to say...

It's been so long and sometimes, life takes a toll on you.

I guess i could say i started to feel lost after my first kid. Everything shifted, my world pretty much turned on its axis. I was no longer the center of my world, she became it and soon after, i completely fell off the map. I lost myself, i knew it was bad when i realized i had lost music.

I knew that music called out to me but it was like hearing an echo of a voice, it was a faint call, like a weak nudge and every time i felt it, i felt guilty because i knew something was not quite right with me. I stopped actively searching out music, i stopped listening to music, i stopped feeling music. Music had always been an essential part of my existence, it was at my core and i had managed to let it go.

This isn't normal, you're not supposed to loose yourself this way, it's wrong. A part of me feels like i went into hiding. I really haven't searched deep enough to know what i was running from but, something was definitely up.

I love my daughters, they are my greatest accomplishments in life and i cant imagine my life without either one of them but i do not want them to be my only achievements in life. I want to do more with myself.

Now, where to start...

PS: My song to describe how i connected with my first daughter was Erin McCarley's- What I Needed. I played it to her almost every day when she was in me and couldn't wait to remind her of it when she came out into the world. Unfortunately, by the time i had my second daughter i had lost my form of expression, i had no song for her. I'm working on changing that though.

Burnt out

Wow, its been a minute.

Wasn't even sure if this would still be accessible to me. I guess its true what they say, once its online, it's there forever.

Coming back after all these years, its almost surreal. I don't even feel like the same person anymore. I used to be so hopeful, funny, passionate... I'm still some of those things, plus or minus; and a whole lot more, with an extra helping of reality bites. There's so much i would never trade for anything in the world. "So much", has two names, Olubukola and Ilerioluwa, those are my babies.

They are the center of my world and everything is worth a bit more because of them.

Some of the things that haven't changed is me wanting more for myself but now, its hard to focus. I feel a little lost but i cant say that out loud. I'm 35 for crying out loud and i don't know what i want to do with myself.

The story of how i got here is going to take a while for me to tell but maybe someday i will.

For now, its good to have found this little piece of me.

I hope i don't loose it again. I might, but hopefully i'll find my way back.

Rusty

I cannot believe i finally made it here. Life happened.

Stuck in a rut?

Do you feel like you’ve been in one place for too long?

Do you feel like everyone else is moving forward and you’re not?

Have you for the 100th time not started that book, business or project you’ve always wanted to start?

Have you let that dream you thought was your purpose in life go?

Do you feel stagnated? Like your life is caught in the shadow, neither moving into the light or fading away?

Do you feel like you are not making a difference in any way, changing the world like you always thought you would?

Why?

Why aren’t you doing the things you ought to?

What are you waiting for?

There will probably never be a perfect time, so why don’t you make this the perfect time..

Start!

Break free of your fear and uncertainties and just start!

Yes, things are not all in place but when are things ever totally in place? Take the chance and take that bold step with your heart pounding and your chin in the air and head held high, work towards your destiny. Do not let the naysayers stop you, they do not have the power, only you have the power to stop yourself! Fall, rise, fall again and rise again, don't ever stay down.

Strive towards your destiny, live your dream.

About the ones that break your heart

Forgive.

Sometimes people do things that remind you of situations and times you’d rather forget. They make decisions that remind you that you’re not really their blood but just a “friend”. They break the confidence and trust you have in them by sharing your secrets; they lie to you; they push you away when all you ever wanted to do was love them.

I think the really bad part is when you start to behave badly because, you claim to be “giving as good as you get.” That is just wrong, you cannot and should not change who you are because someone does not appreciate you. Hard as it is, you must show compassion and love, even when they least deserve it because that’s the best time to really show love and compassion. If a person smothers you with love, it’s easy to love them back but then where’s the sacrifice in that? What sets you apart is being able to love someone when they do not treat you well, then you’ll really be doing something special.

That being said, you must also be able to make the distinction as to when a relationship becomes toxic and is draining you. You must be able to take care of yourself, you must know when to walk away hard as it may seem. There are relationships that are no good for you, that friend that’s always making you do things you know in your heart aren’t right; that friend that’s always making you angry and bitter; that friend who’s always saying negative things about you; that friend who is quick to believe the worst about you… these are all toxic and you need to let those sort of people go. We all form attachments but the time comes when you have to do what’s best for you, letting them go with no grudge within.

It’s easy to say all these things, the hard part is actually doing it. The trick is to take it one day at a time, letting go prayerfully.