Still

Things were just beginning to get better.

I finally decided to write a book, it’s supposed to be on life generally and will touch every aspect of it from spirituality to relationships. I started on Sunday and I’ve written 4 pages, pretty slow right? I only write whenever I get inspiration and I also have to juggle work too. I’m a little scared, what if I start this and don’t finish it? I tend to do that a lot, get all fired up about something and then lose interest almost as fast. I want to stay committed to this but I’m worried I may lose it at some point. I need God’s grace to help me finish it, even if it never gets published, I want to be able to say I started something and saw it through to the end. So, here’s to seeing it through to the end. God help me.

Anyways, I’m doing great and I’ve decided to focus outwards instead of inwards and on all my problems, real or imagined. I’ve also decided to give more attention to the other guys in my life. The way I keep going on about Marcus you’d think he’s the only guy in my life but that’s actually not true. There are a few men vying for my attention but I chose to ignore them but now, I’m giving them as much of my attention as I can distribute!

So, one of my admirers( yes, people do admire me) calls me yesterday and he said to have drinks after work the next day but I said I couldn’t because I had an open mic event to attend with another admirer( yup, they’re up to 2 :) ). So he says, “Fine, we’ll do lunch instead, call me when you’re free, decide what you want to have and we’ll go anyplace of your choice.” I think to myself, “Great, there are a couple new places I’ve been meaning to try and the distraction is most welcome.”

I was feeling good about my date because the guy always makes me laugh and although he can be a little loud, he’s ok. Then I get a call from my best friend, she introduced me to Marcus and she goes ahead to say how they’re not speaking because he accused her of being antagonistic. She said she was just being her usual playful self, teasing him and he took it personally and she didn’t get it. He told her to just say what’s on her mind and stop taking unnecessary digs at him and she felt bad that he would think she would do that instead of out rightly taking him up on whatever issues she had. Point is, the conversation did not go well and now they aren’t speaking. I figure he feels guilty about us and he knows that my friend knows but hasn’t brought it up and he was trying to get her to go there. Unfortunately, my friend does not operate like that, she’s not given to games and if you want to say something you better come out with it and forget all the mind games.

Now I’m back to feeling terrible for putting a strain on their relationship, she was never supposed to get caught in the middle. I know she was worried about that at some point, because she cares about both of us and wouldn’t want to take sides if things go wrong. I’m trying to decide if I should talk to Marcus, he’s very close mouthed and stubborn and I don’t want to make things worse but I can’t pretend like I don’t know that things aren’t right between them.

This does not feel like moving on….Xoxo