How i feel

Sheet! Lol! So i shouldn’t curse, well sheet then! I know it’s absolutely ridiculous and i have no clue why i just said that. Well, today i want to start off by writing about substituting. I feel like i compensate for the things that are lacking in my life with coffee. I mean, it’s my life so i should know when i start forming habits, right? When the going is good i can do without coffee and i decide i need to cut back on my intake. Then when things get pretty crazy, i fall back into coffee mode needing it to kick off my day, sustain me through the day and settle me down to a restless night.
I've even started jogging again, not because i feel the need to be health conscious but because i need to calm my agitated soul. I can’t sleep so i pound the streets at 5am or some minutes past 5 instead of tossing and turning in bed. The good thing is I’ll probably have a better shape if i carry on this way by the time i get past this phase. I should be happy, i have a job that pays, a roof over my head, a guy who says he wants my heart in his hand... but I’m not (You know the heart in hand bit is serious material for jist , right? :) Anyways, i haven’t been able to shake my restlessness and i find it hard to pray, i know it’s bad because it’s at this point i really need God's grace but it’s difficult. I try though, but i know i can do better. I guess we all go through phases when we're not pleased with our lives, this is it for me. For starters, i miss someone who i have absolutely no business missing because i only cause him drama; my closest friends are far away; someone i considered a friend pissed me off because i don’t have a car; i have no love to call my own which is not from a lack of looking or prophesying positively :) and i keep getting questions like when is it? who is it?; I’m detesting a client i have to work with right now and i have to keep smiling even when I’m thinking," if i could just bash your freaking face in!". But there could be worse things, my friends could be dead and not just far away; the one i miss could be oblivious to me; i could be without a job and no pay hence the possibility of me ever getting a car nil; i could have lost my ability to ever love and my faith in it as well; and i could be living with someone as annoying as my client. My life could be all of these things but it’s not so i guess there's a silver lining and much to be thankful for.
Life is what it is, it’s never perfect but it’s ours to live and the decision to look forward with optimism remains ours. I may not be all i want to be, have all i want to have but i know that things will not always remain like this, I’ll look back someday soon and say," Wow, how did i ever make it this far" (Amen) Xoxo.