Goals

Right now, the goal is to not stop writing. I keep thinking, my dynamics has changed, i'm not as interesting as i used to be. I'm now a married mother of two, what do i have to say that will appeal to anyone.

I used to be the kind of girl who would roll my eyes at mothers who go on and on about their kids! Do i now begin to write about my kids and become said type of mum? No!

Do i talk about my relationship? No, that would probably just annoy and depress me.

So, what? Nothing interesting ever happens to me anymore. It's like the world realized that i stopped participating so interesting things just stopped happening.

Well, World, I'm back!

Let the living begin, i'm alive!

PS: Dear Lord, i do not wish for a severe case of "be careful what you wish for". Great, positive vibes only, thank you!

Lost

I made it back.

Now, what to say...

It's been so long and sometimes, life takes a toll on you.

I guess i could say i started to feel lost after my first kid. Everything shifted, my world pretty much turned on its axis. I was no longer the center of my world, she became it and soon after, i completely fell off the map. I lost myself, i knew it was bad when i realized i had lost music.

I knew that music called out to me but it was like hearing an echo of a voice, it was a faint call, like a weak nudge and every time i felt it, i felt guilty because i knew something was not quite right with me. I stopped actively searching out music, i stopped listening to music, i stopped feeling music. Music had always been an essential part of my existence, it was at my core and i had managed to let it go.

This isn't normal, you're not supposed to loose yourself this way, it's wrong. A part of me feels like i went into hiding. I really haven't searched deep enough to know what i was running from but, something was definitely up.

I love my daughters, they are my greatest accomplishments in life and i cant imagine my life without either one of them but i do not want them to be my only achievements in life. I want to do more with myself.

Now, where to start...

PS: My song to describe how i connected with my first daughter was Erin McCarley's- What I Needed. I played it to her almost every day when she was in me and couldn't wait to remind her of it when she came out into the world. Unfortunately, by the time i had my second daughter i had lost my form of expression, i had no song for her. I'm working on changing that though.

Burnt out

Wow, its been a minute.

Wasn't even sure if this would still be accessible to me. I guess its true what they say, once its online, it's there forever.

Coming back after all these years, its almost surreal. I don't even feel like the same person anymore. I used to be so hopeful, funny, passionate... I'm still some of those things, plus or minus; and a whole lot more, with an extra helping of reality bites. There's so much i would never trade for anything in the world. "So much", has two names, Olubukola and Ilerioluwa, those are my babies.

They are the center of my world and everything is worth a bit more because of them.

Some of the things that haven't changed is me wanting more for myself but now, its hard to focus. I feel a little lost but i cant say that out loud. I'm 35 for crying out loud and i don't know what i want to do with myself.

The story of how i got here is going to take a while for me to tell but maybe someday i will.

For now, its good to have found this little piece of me.

I hope i don't loose it again. I might, but hopefully i'll find my way back.