Catching up

I finally worked up the courage and asked Marcus to stay away from me, i even went as far as deleting him from my BB. He wasn't pleased but he's respected my wishes, afterall he doesn't plan to leave his girlfriend and i never wanted him to.. I am sad, i miss him terribly but i know that i cant go back.

I already knew what i was going to do so i pretty much held on to every moment with him, knowing it was going to be over really soon. We spent a lot of time together just before the end and as always, they were good times. I know without a doubt that i did the right thing, but it doesnt feel that way sometimes. A picture, a song, a word, these things remind me of him and it gets hard but i'll get over it so it's going to be okay.

I've moved houses and i can happily say that i'm doing ok, it's been tiring but it's also been good. My major problem is, living in two different places, i didn't realise how much property i've acquired and having them all in one place is quite oppressive! I have stuff all over my room, its like i'm dodging clothes and shoes and all sorts! I've packed two big bags full with stuff i want to give away to make space.

At a point it felt like i was losing my home and Marcus all at once and it was all too much but i managed to get past it. I think i'm handling this pretty well because i prepared for it so i'm not devastated, i just really miss him. He was quite funny, smart, he had a really cute smile and he did let me hit him (a lot!) I listened to someone that said, just because you love someone, dont expect to be loved in return, just be content that the feeling grew in you...

I cannot say that i love Marcus, i really dont know what that is, i just know that i cared for him, wanted to be with him and didnt care about what he had to offer and i do know that i wish him the absolute best.

I think its time i really confront this love thing, what is love? Really? I shall be addressing this issue very soon and i have a feeling that i shall have a wide range of diverse answers to this one.

So, here's to making the right decisions no matter how much they hurt; trusting God, to lead us right; and to understanding what love really is...xoxo

Changes

I’m scared

I have to move and it worries me because this was never my plan. I didn’t think I’d ever have to move back to my mother’s but I am. But somehow, I think it’ll all be okay. I have to believe it'll be okay. It’s just that moving back to my mum's feels like regression and it scares me. I guess this New Year will bring a lot of new beginnings…. Starting now…

Changes...

Still

Things were just beginning to get better.

I finally decided to write a book, it’s supposed to be on life generally and will touch every aspect of it from spirituality to relationships. I started on Sunday and I’ve written 4 pages, pretty slow right? I only write whenever I get inspiration and I also have to juggle work too. I’m a little scared, what if I start this and don’t finish it? I tend to do that a lot, get all fired up about something and then lose interest almost as fast. I want to stay committed to this but I’m worried I may lose it at some point. I need God’s grace to help me finish it, even if it never gets published, I want to be able to say I started something and saw it through to the end. So, here’s to seeing it through to the end. God help me.

Anyways, I’m doing great and I’ve decided to focus outwards instead of inwards and on all my problems, real or imagined. I’ve also decided to give more attention to the other guys in my life. The way I keep going on about Marcus you’d think he’s the only guy in my life but that’s actually not true. There are a few men vying for my attention but I chose to ignore them but now, I’m giving them as much of my attention as I can distribute!

So, one of my admirers( yes, people do admire me) calls me yesterday and he said to have drinks after work the next day but I said I couldn’t because I had an open mic event to attend with another admirer( yup, they’re up to 2 :) ). So he says, “Fine, we’ll do lunch instead, call me when you’re free, decide what you want to have and we’ll go anyplace of your choice.” I think to myself, “Great, there are a couple new places I’ve been meaning to try and the distraction is most welcome.”

I was feeling good about my date because the guy always makes me laugh and although he can be a little loud, he’s ok. Then I get a call from my best friend, she introduced me to Marcus and she goes ahead to say how they’re not speaking because he accused her of being antagonistic. She said she was just being her usual playful self, teasing him and he took it personally and she didn’t get it. He told her to just say what’s on her mind and stop taking unnecessary digs at him and she felt bad that he would think she would do that instead of out rightly taking him up on whatever issues she had. Point is, the conversation did not go well and now they aren’t speaking. I figure he feels guilty about us and he knows that my friend knows but hasn’t brought it up and he was trying to get her to go there. Unfortunately, my friend does not operate like that, she’s not given to games and if you want to say something you better come out with it and forget all the mind games.

Now I’m back to feeling terrible for putting a strain on their relationship, she was never supposed to get caught in the middle. I know she was worried about that at some point, because she cares about both of us and wouldn’t want to take sides if things go wrong. I’m trying to decide if I should talk to Marcus, he’s very close mouthed and stubborn and I don’t want to make things worse but I can’t pretend like I don’t know that things aren’t right between them.

This does not feel like moving on….Xoxo

Alternate Reality

I saw Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2, for the second time last night and I still loved it!!! After I got home, I as usual proceeded to day dream and I got to thinking, what if there is an alternate reality where all the characters we know, from Superman, Sleeping Beauty, Wolverine to Edward and Bella existed?! Let’s not forget that with the good comes the bad so we’d have guys like Darkside, The Joker, Magneto, the Voltarie, the Evil Witch… Would you want to live in a world like that? And for you to exist there you’d have to have some super power or something, what would it be? Would you pick a power that already exists or create yours? Personally, I’d like to be a hybrid of sorts, a vampire werewolf and shape shifter combined! Lol, I’d be wickedly awesome!! And of course, i'd be going with the coolest and bestest of them all, Superman! Move over Lois, this is real love!! Lol. Just something to think about when you get a little bored. Lovely weekend y'all Xoxo.

Time for everything

Why are some of us so stubborn? Why is it that the very thing we want is the one thing we shouldn’t? Why do we walk obstinately with eyes wide shut into a potentially volatile situation? Why do we try so hard to hold onto something or someone despite everyone saying we should let go and we know that we should? Masochism? Perhaps the challenge it brings? More like downright stupidity? If you’ve got it all figured out, please share this very critical information with me. I don’t feel very great, to be honest, I’m holding myself together and absolutely refusing to give into sadness and it gets hard. I guess it’s okay to be sad and it’s okay to be silly sometimes, as long as we don’t wallow in it. The wallowing I believe is where the problem lies; we get to wallowing and forget to get out of it. We all need time to be sad, to grieve, cleanse ourselves and move on. Personally, I think we also need a little help, in the form of a good friend who’ll listen to us rant and wail; a couple shots of my other friend Tequila, Uncle JD or my man VK; some music to go with the mood; some prayer… whatever it is, don’t do it alone, get help and remember, dont wallow! My God father used to say to me, you are not an island, no man is an island; I believe him now. I kinda feel better now after writing; let me also add that the last bit to the earlier Dead Man Walking was me adding my cheesy corny lines to the song. I totally ruined it but I was in the moment and had to add my own 2 cents ;) It will all be ok… sooner than you imagine. Xoxo

Dead Man Walking- The Script

I hear the angels talking talking talking; Now I'm a dead man walking walking walking; I hear the angels talking talking talking; Now I'm a dead man; We're in the same room just one million miles away; With all these books around but we ain't got two words to say; Am I a dead man now, left living with the shame? I'm... Already broken, already gone; Already know you're moving on; I'm a breathing, talking; Dead man, walking; Already see it, in your face; Already someone, in my place; I'm a breathing, talking; Dead man, walking; .......................... I’m so sad with no words left; Just my memories and time left; If only things could be different, if only I could make you mine; Then maybe I wouldn’t feel like a dead man walking.. xoxo

Letting go

For starters, work is great, I feel like I’ve been pushing myself a bit more and it feels wonderful. Marcus and I have had our break up before we even started dating talk and it has not changed a darn thing. We still manage to accidentally fall on each other’s faces *rolling my eyes* how can a girl like me who I thought, (note the use of the past tense) I thought I was smart, so it’s amazing how I managed to get myself into this crappy situation. It feels like whenever I believe we are done and I’m finally moving on, I get roped back in and I swear it’s getting really annoying and I have no one to blame but myself. I have never been one to pass judgement, I try really hard not to because I always believe if you aren’t wearing the shoe…. And this situation has given me a new found appreciation as to why some people do stupid things. Sometimes they just do. It just is, I don’t know how to explain it and I know it sounds stupid but some things just are until they aren’t. This craziness with Marcus just is until it will cease to be and I need to find a way to really end it and keep it ended. The truth of the matter is, I know what I need to do and I also know that doing it will cost me my friend and I’m not ready to lose that. I wish everything was simple, I wish … I’m pretty sure God is tired of me and my silliness, he’s probably looking at me and thinking, “Which kain pikin be this abeg?!” Because I have begged him, tried to bribe him and all sorts because of this Marcus situation! Lord help me!!!!! Oh well, what is my life without the ever constant drama, my friend seems to think I thrive on it but I don’t agree, I don’t need to feel like my stomach is dropping to my feet or my heart is jumping out of my chest all the time! Ok, maybe not all the time… Point is, i need a drama free distraction. I started Salsa classes on Wednesday and it was amazing! Maybe it’s the distraction I need if I take it seriously enough. I learnt the basic steps, made a fool of myself a few times, got swung around which felt so liberating! Danced and just had a wonderful time, it felt so good and I can’t wait to do it again today. For the record, the classes happen at Lagoon Restaurant which is on Ozumba at VI on Wednesdays and Fridays if you want to try it out. Back to work xoxo PS: You can feel free to pray for me!

When plans go awry

Alright, so, I didn’t end things with Marcus. It was not because I chickened out, but because I didn’t get to see him. I had to work late, I had an impromptu meeting that went on till it was almost 8 and I couldn’t make the movie. Meanwhile, he waited for me for over 3 hours! Needless to say he was upset. I felt really bad and I kept thinking to myself, “You had a date to go break up with someone you’re not even dating and didn’t have the decency to show up for the darn date!!!” Now I’m in appeasing mode! I’ve been apologising and now I’m hoping everything will just go downhill from here on… A friend of mine who knows of the whole Marcus drama says I should just get mad at him, I should find reasons to be upset, rant at him and then shut him out and keep forming vex! She says it’s the only way I’ll be able to let him go but I can’t do that, this is Marcus, he doesn’t deserve all that unnecessary drama… I was all set with my big girl pants yesterday to do what needed to be done but I think I lost the pants last night and with it went all my liver, mojo or whatever you want to call it. I hate when you have everything all planned out and then fate just decides, no way is that plan working! And screws all your plans and you’re left looking lost and bewildered like, what the hell just happened?!! I was in the perfect frame of mind to do this yesterday and I lost the opportunity now I have to strategize again! Anyways, right now I am just going to ride this out for today and avoid him, except perhaps to call once and apologise again for making him wait and not show up and then that’s it…. This makes me wonder though, is it really true then that men and women can’t be friends…? Just thinking… xoxo

My Life.... Blessed, yet complicated.

Wow, it’s been too long! I swear every day I thought of just writing but somehow I didn’t get around to it. My life has been a series of ups and downs and I got older! I mean that literally, my birthday was on Saturday and it was a very cool day. I got calls, messages, I felt so loved and didn’t want the day to end but it did and it did in a simply ridiculous way! First and foremost, I am so thankful for life and the blessings God has bestowed on me. I have a wonderful family; brilliant friends; a job that pays; a love for music that always brings me joy; despite my sweet tooth, I am not yet a size 14! Mehn, I have an absolute lot to be thankful for and I praise God! I have had all sorts of experiences in the last couple of weeks that knowing where to start is a bit overwhelming. Do I start from my “experience/encounter” with God? Yup! I had one of those and it was pretty amazing! Or do I start with my roller coaster relationship with Marcus, remember him? Or do I talk about how my retail therapy has got both my accounts flashing red and I’m about to go into a major panic?! Or do I talk of the cockroach I met who had the nerve to say girls raised by single mothers were immoral?! I swear I almost slapped that moron, who of course didn’t know I was raised by my mum, the daft punk! I’ll start with the most inspiring and amazing. I was set to see a movie and have dinner afterwards with Marcus and I kept having this feeling or should I say hearing, “cancel” I kept trying to shut it out until I finally decided to pray about it. I spoke to God and I said to him, "Dear Lord, you know your daughter, my head can be such a cluttered, jumbled mess and right now if you’re speaking to me I need to be sure because I’m going to blame not listening on not being sure if it was really you, plus, this is Marcus we’re talking about, I cannot cancel on him! So, what I need you to do is get him to cancel instead and help me know that you were truly speaking to me." After my prayers, I got about my business and in less than 15 minutes, Marcus sends me a message saying he had to cancel our movie! Can you believe that?!!!!!! I was in absolute shock! I kept thinking, God does speak to me and he actually hears and responds!!!! Isn’t that amazing? It was such a wonderful experience! It didn’t even matter that he cancelled because I knew it was God’s will, I just felt immense joy that God could actually listen to and reach me despite my “scatteredness”. I haven’t gotten over that high and I hope that I continue to hear from him so I pray for the grace to be open enough that he can reach me and I can hear him, not just that but I pray for the courage to do as he says. Now, to more depressing stuff, Marcus…. We did not speak for 3 weeks! Anyways, that’s over, we’re more than speaking now but, we went through a rough patch were we stopped speaking and chatting like we used to and I swear I thought I would die, and kill someone just before I did. Strange yeah? For people who claim to be just friends, that not speaking or chatting would have such an effect on me. I decided to stop faffing around and at least stop lying to myself, I like him, there, I said it, I not only like him, I really like him and I am so free with him and it’s just ridiculous because I haven’t felt this way in a very long time, that’s if I’ve ever felt this way… Anyways, we’re talking now and everything was as awesome as it was before, only now we’re kissing! First on my birthday, then the day after! The birthday kiss I can blame on alcohol but the day after, that was all me*I’m covering my face in shame* . I told my best friend we kissed and she said ok… and then I said it was on several occasions on different days and she literally paused and took a picture so I could see the shock on her face! Lol, I had to laugh at that, she’s so silly I love her. At this point, I know what I need to do, do I want to do it? Hell no! Do I have to do it? Hell yeah. Damn it! I finally meet someone I can just chill and be myself with who also likes spending time with me and takes me as I am and who is a pretty good kisser too and he conveniently has to have a girlfriend, a serious one for that matter! I don’t even know where to even begin to try to compete with that and I have no intention of trying to. I just want to scream, “Why always me!!!” So, my plan is to call it all off with him, I can’t see him anymore because at this point we both understand we can’t just be friends. In all honesty, it all started innocently but I guess we kinda grew on each other, this was never the plan. I will not be the other woman, I will not let him be the kind of guy who cheats on his girlfriend and I will not have my heart broken. I’m too old for that BS! Calling it off is going to be hard and since I came to the decision to do it when we meet tonight, I’ve had a sinking feeling in my tummy and smiling seems like a pretty hard thing to do. I’ve only thought of changing my mind and not doing it once, that’s a good thing, right? So I’m sitting here listening to Say When on repeat, trying to work, trying to write and knowing this could possibly be the beginning of miserable days ahead. I will miss him terribly and I almost wish I were the kind of girl who can be with a guy regardless of whether he’s available or not but I can’t do that. I wonder what his reaction will be…. Oh well, I’m putting on my big girl pants and taking charge, a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do. I think the worst part of it all was him being within my reach and yet out of my reach because I always knew he wasn’t mine to hold on to…. Kinda like dangling food in front of a hungry person who has tied their teeth, very cruel. Courage Lord, I ask for courage to do what I need to do. I wish things were different but I guess this is my reality and I have to deal with it. Maybe someday, this will all count for something…xoxo

She lives to conquer

Hallelujah!! I’m not dying! I’m not dying! It’s such a relief to know I’m gonna be ok!!!!!!!! Notice my oyibo? That’s excitement!!!! Wow, now I’m thinking, “Maybe I better get back on that diet since I’m not dying just yet” but then again, I think, “Haven’t I learnt anything?” The things that seemed so trivial then, maybe they don’t really matter but the truth is while you’re alive you’re alive and you will always want to control stuff. I’m certainly not going to be starving myself anymore I’ll just remember to keep it moderate. So, work’s good, my main focus has been organizing CUSPA but we’ve moved that forward so now I’m focused on creating content for our website and that’s going pretty well so I’m quite pleased. I miss my best friend, she’s been away for too long and I miss just sitting and chilling with her. We kinda made a pact that we hope we never have to keep but we agreed that if by 40 we are still single( at this point we quickly shout God forbid) we’ll move in together and continue life together so we don’t feel lonely and sad. It’s cute but the thought of two of us single at 40 gives me serious tummy upset! But she’s the closest thing I have to a sister and I love her to death. My “friend” who I really have to give a name so I can stop writing “friend” all the time… okay, let’s call him Marcus, I like that name, don’t ask why . So I was saying, Marcus will be moving away soon and that has me very upset, I mean I knew it wasn’t going to last forever but I’m not ready to let go just yet. You may ask moving to where? Out of the country? No, it’s not out of the country but for a girl like me, the distance from Lekki to Festac could as well be out of the country. Thing is, he might have to move jobs and when he does which I hope he will because it’ll be a very great opportunity for him, he’ll have to move to Festac and work will be at Ikeja. He’s going to get extra busy and if you know anything about Lagos you’ll understand that the traffic is not child’s play at all! So, where will we find the time? He’ll have to do his thing and still make time for his girlfriend, how will I fit into that equation? In a way, this may be a good thing you know, maybe this is nature’s way of helping us let go of each other because I don’t see either one of us doing that anytime soon and how long will it be before one of us goes and says or does something totally stupid? I don’t like it but when the time comes, I’ll deal, I hope. We talked about it and he says he’s sure I’ll forget him once he moves and I counter with, he’ll be too busy to even remember me. He says the friendship doesn’t have to end because he’s moving and I say of course it doesn’t but who are we kidding? I guess time will tell. I’m not dying! That’s wonderful and those 5 great years have been extended indefinitely, God willing. Let’s hope I make the most of it… let’s pray we make the most of it…Xoxo

Listening to Give Me Love- Ed Sheeran as i write about "My Friend"

I didn’t go to get my test results yesterday, my boss resumed work after a month long leave so i had meetings all day long and my last meeting didn’t end till past 5, a little too late to get to the hospital. I’ll have to do that this morning, but I’d rather think of something else a bit more interesting, like my ‘friend’ who’s in the 3 year long very serious relationship. So, about my friend, we met through a mutual friend who warned me he had a girlfriend but gave him my bb pin because he thought I was cool after our first meeting. I didn’t mind, being the vain child that I am, I don’t mind anyone who thinks I’m cool  Anyways, we chatted for a few months and didn’t get the chance to see because I was always busy but eventually we did and I was my ridiculously charming self and of course he wanted to hang out again ;). It all started with him saying he wanted a movie partner and since I love the movies, it didn’t seem like a bad idea so we started going to see movies together and it swiftly progressed to all sorts of hang outs and to be honest, I’ve had a very fantastic time. I must confess though, we kissed once but that night I was a little, okay maybe a lot tipsy and I don’t really remember what the kiss felt like something I am very irritated by because later in the day, we had a sit down to discuss it and we both agreed it could never happen again. I know most people won’t approve of this alliance, especially since he keeps going on about how much he loves his girlfriend and how she’s his best friend. It would be smart to ask what I am then, his distraction? At this point, let me go into why I’m in it; he gives me something that I need, he gives me companionship. He’s very willing to spend time with me and I like that because If I didn’t have him in my life, there would be no one and I would probably be dwelling and upset that I didn’t have any one special. That’s why when my friends say he’s using me, I say maybe so, but is he the only one doing the using? We spend time together, he takes me places, we gist, we play and we enjoy each others company a lot and if that’s all I can get, then for right now it works for me. I know what it feels like to be lonely and right now I don’t feel lonely and for me that’s a blessing. Yes, it’s not perfect; we both do our own thing and the times he hangs out with his girlfriend gives me more time to do my own thing. There are those times when I try not to contact him because I feel like I may be intruding but somehow we always manage to make time for each other. I’ve also thought of the fact that chances are he may want to get married sometime soon and this has made me determined to find someone because at the end of the day he has someone to go back to and I want that for myself as well. Make no mistake, I’m not looking to break his relationship, far from it but I’m glad for his presence, I’m not totally lonesome! That is the most important thing, he fills a void and for right now, I’m just being happy. I understand how short life is now and I’m going to take my happiness wherever I can get it until we both have to move on. I know at some point this will end and when it does, I will walk away but for now I’m enjoying this. I’m very open to meeting someone but until that happens I’m not going to be sitting somewhere, wallowing, I’m going to be making the most of what I have. The only danger lies in me becoming too attached to him, I know there’s the risk of that happening, I’m not naïve, spending that much time with someone and talking and chatting with them every day opens one up to such possibilities but I made a promise to my friend, I told her if I ever catch myself getting too attached I would walk and I meant it. I felt the need to reflect on my life, my illness and him so i decided i would turn my phones off over the weekend and be free of distractions and my world for some days. I sent him a message just before I did saying he wouldn’t be able to reach me and turned the phones off before he could respond. Needless to say, he was upset but in a way that was me trying to put a bit of distance between us, a way of telling myself I can walk away when the time comes. He did not find it in the least bit funny but I have to protect myself, sort of… Well, life continues, I get to know my fate today and God willing, fingers crossed I’ll be doing the samba come mid day;) Xoxo. PS: Give Me Love by Ed Sheeran is amazing!

5 years of greatness... or more

I’m faced with the prospect of having a life altering illness. It is quite humbling because all i thought were important pale in comparism to the thought that i may not live past a couple of years, way less than i ever thought possible. I discovered a growth that I hoped if I ignored would go away but I was wrong, it didn’t go away, it got worse so I went to the hospital. I had a series of tests done, there is in fact a problem but I won’t know till after a few more days if I could have cancer. Plus, some doctors really need to learn the dead pan expression, instead of frightening one with a look that says, DAMN! Yet their words are, “It’s nothing to be REALLY worried about.” Sitting alone in the hospital, I kept thinking, “What do I tell my mum? I can’t tell my mum, I can’t die before my mum…” I could not wait to get out of the hospital and get some air, the place was stifling. I have been on a detox program and I haven’t eaten in two days, needless to say, on my way back from the hospital I stopped by at an eatery and bought myself some chicken, I kept thinking, life is too short and I am not dying hungry! As usual I tried to brazen it out by telling my friends at work I was dying and didn’t expect any crying at my funeral, I didn’t go to any details, I just felt the need to let some of it out. Now, sitting alone I am sad and scared and I cannot help the tears that fall, I keep telling myself it’s not yet confirmed, it will be ok but it doesn’t change the fact that I’m scared. Of all the things that should bother me, it’s the fact that I have not experienced a true love, I know, quite shameless of me, I may be dying and all I can think of is love, jeez child, get a grip! But it’s the truth, it’s what I feel and then I went on to think, I have to do something worthwhile, if I have just five years to live then I must touch lives and make them 5 years of greatness. This may all be premature but it’s what I’m feeling and I hope to God that my time isn’t limited and regardless of how much time I have or don’t have, I’m going to do all I can to leave a positive touch in people’s hearts God willing. I don’t want to be alone so I’m going to be spending time with my friends for the weekend, hopefully that should help take my mind off negative stuff and let’s hope Monday brings with it a measure of good luck and good news by God’s grace…. Whatever the case, I’m still a champion ;) xoxo PS: Starlight by Muse really does make me smile every time! Xoxoxoxox

Love, likeness, chemistry or whatever you want to call it..

I’m sitting in front of my laptop, fingers crossed under my chin and trying to figure out where to start from. Truth of the matter is I’ve been all over the place, emotion wise that is, well physically I’ve been doing a bit of travelling but for now I’ll focus on the emotional whirlwind I got caught up in. The worst is over or maybe just starting but I guess I’ll know in time. Over the past months, I’ve managed to resurrect a dysfunctional relationship with a total retard, start a new relationship which officially labeled me girlfriend and start another new relationship where I’m just “friends” with a guy I talk with everyday and see regularly who’s in a very serious 3 year relationship…. Yeah, I’ve been really busy… So, let me begin with my boyfriend, he’s a family friend which is the major reason why I began to listen to him when he started calling and wanting to get closer. After about a month of calling, he badgered and pestered saying we had to define what we had. I’m not big on labels so I didn’t really care, I’m more of a show me and actions type of gal as opposed to people declaring with words alone. Well, he kept insisting and eventually, I agreed for us to be labeled boyfriend and girlfriend. I should have known from the way I felt that that was a big mistake but hey, I figured he was ok to talk with and he also made lofty declarations of love and sharing our lives together. Sure he was a little self absorbed and had more than a few lame jokes but who isn’t a bit self absorbed and doesn’t miss the mark with some jokes every now and then? I also figured he was ambitious and hardworking so, what the hell, I’ll go for it at least if we get married he’ll be a provider. Now, to the day when I agreed to be his “girlfriend”, immediately afterwards, I pretty much went into a panic attack, all I could think was, “What have I done? What if I hurt him? What am I doing?!!” I call my best friend and left a message, she calls back in a panic asking if I was ok. After I told her I was in a relationship, she cursed me, laughed and asked if that was why I sounded like someone had died. I guess what I’m saying is I was so not excited or happy, it was like I just signed my death warrant or something just as bad! Despite this, I went on, I called him he called me, after two weeks I broke up with him then after some days decided I was not a quitter, called him to make amends and after a couple of weeks I stopped calling, I guess it didn’t help that I had a bit of distraction in the form of my new “friend”. Well, needless to say it all fizzled out, the only annoying part is the fact that I at least did not claim love but for someone who had visions of us being together, it took him no time at all to fall out of his so called love. I remember the day I stopped by his office, when I saw him walking towards me; I panicked, jumped into the car and asked the driver to drive off! Crazy I know, well my driver had more sense than I did and told me I couldn’t just leave so I got out of the car, pasted a huge fake smile on my face and said a too bright “Hey, how you doing!” I guess the point of this is you can’t, or rather should not be with someone for calculated reasons. If you don’t feel it, let it go, if your heart’s not in it then you should not be in it. You cannot begin a relationship with tolerating a guy or girl. You should see everything at the beginning with rose tinted shades until reality sets in but you can’t start off with trying to tolerate anyone. Sure we calculate stuff like,” Is he hard working? Does he have a job?” Those things are important, no one wants to be with a loafer but I honestly believe that the most important thing is a measure of love or likeness or chemistry or whatever you want to call it. It is not okay to be with someone because of what you feel you can get or benefit without actually having any real feelings, at some point it gets exhausting. Even relationships that start off with full scale love, butterflies in my tummy kind of things get tiring after some time. You need that love, likeness, chemistry or whatever you want to call it for the rough times, to remind you why you even bothered to start at all. In reference to my earlier statement about the worst being over or maybe just starting, it has a lot to do with my “friend” who’s in a relationship that I spend a lot of time with. I’ll go into details about it next time but suffice it to say that if it’s not handled properly it could result in major drama. But hey, what’s life without a bit of drama right? Till the next time, don’t stop loving! Xoxo.

What i say- Ray Charles

Ok, I’m probably way behind with this one, no, scratch that, I’m so way behind with this one but I just discovered, “What I say by Ray Charles” Yay!! That's the coolest thing about music, its there for all time and you can discover it whenever you do and enjoy whenever you want. So, i just discovered "What i say" and it is fantastic! It makes you want to move and the best part is the ooohhhing and ahhhing! Whoohoo! Lol. It’s a feel good, pick me up when I’m down song, from the instrumentals at the beginning, Ray’s singing, everything! I hear it and I just want to shake, like dance with total abandon, throw your head back dance, and laugh and dance!!! Lol! Someone who’s totally clueless about dancing can dance to this song; it teaches you how to dance. It’s truly beautiful, that’s the magic of music I guess… If you haven’t heard it, don’t just sit there! Go find it and dance and laugh! Lol. Trust me you won’t regret it Xoxo.

May you find your silver lining

When did being one’s true self stop being enough?
Aren’t we supposed to be ourselves and get accepted for being ourselves?
Why is living by moral principles becoming something most people are finding too difficult to do?
When did doing the right thing start making one seem stupid?
Why do people tell lies and allow you make important decisions based on these lies?
These are a few questions that have been weighing on my mind for some days now. I found myself walking past the mirror in my room and I stopped and looked into it and the thought came to my head, “When did being you stop being enough?”
The last few days have been a bit trying for me; from coming to terms with a reality I was trying so hard to not accept to feeling bitter at a friend for something I perceived as her wrong towards me. It has been difficult and heartbreaking but in the midst of it all, there was a silver lining in the form of Elara.
Elara is a study group for young girls that I volunteer with. Saturday was my first weekend with them and I had an amazing time, it’s so refreshing being around these girls, the way they think, the things they find funny, their stubbornness and those questions that make you want to hit your head on the wall….:)
I certainly needed a bit of rescuing and just being with them helped. It made me feel good just being a part of them and trying to help out. I was a little worried at first because part of volunteering means you put yourself in a position where these girls look up to you and you basically have to become a role model of sorts. We teach them about studying, being better at whatever they do, morality and “general goodness”.
The concept of this scared me because I kept thinking, “How on earth am I going to teach them being good when I’m not good?!!" Eventually I figured that Veronica who invited me to come check them out to see if I’d be interested must have seen something good or she wouldn’t have. Plus the knowledge that I have those girls in my life now will help me be better for them and for me, so I guess it’s a win win situation.
I know I’m going to learn a lot from them and I look forward to that, I just pray that God gives me the grace to stay committed to them. It’s such a wonderful feeling doing something good just for goodness sake, no strings, nothing. This is giving me some purpose and now I can focus on someone other than myself. So, here’s to being purpose driven and finding something to do that brings us joy. Xoxo.

All the man i need - Whitney Houston

So Whitney Houston is dead.
I woke up to the news yesterday morning and I felt terrible. It’s very remarkable how you can feel so strongly for someone you never met. I may not have met her but I met her voice and the beauty she communicated with it, it was and still is pretty darn amazing.
For someone who had such a fantastic career it’s so sad that towards the end she became a shadow of herself. I kept thinking she must have OD’ed and it seems I might be right. Damn, but that woman could sing, she gave me goose bumps… I remember the first time I heard “All the man I need” I was beside myself, she sang it with so much passion I knew I had to feel that type of contentment and love in my lifetime or I’ll never die.
That woman sang the soundtrack for many lives as my friend Q aptly said. I can only hope that we look beyond her weaknesses and remember her for the beautiful songs and movies she gave us.
I wasn’t going to mention Bobby because I believe we are all responsible for our actions, good or bad. I can’t help thinking he did introduce her to that messed up way of life and he managed to get clean but she couldn’t. The thought is quite upsetting so yesterday I asked God to please help me rub pepper in his eyes. Yes, I was that upset.
The good thing is her music will remain with us for all time and hopefully she’s resting in peace in God’s bosom, away from all the drama.
Till laters, xoxo.

Contemplating....

"We must select the illusion which appeals to our temperament, and embrace it with passion, if we want to be happy." - Cyril Connolly

Just a quote i happened upon and have been contemplating. Think about it, xoxo.

The prodigal returns...

It’s been too long and it makes me wonder, how is it possible to like something and manage to forget it or let it go? I guess most times we tend to let life get the best of us and we forget the truly important things.
I for one didn’t mean to let the blog go, I just got too busy and tired for it. I’m sure I could have made the time but I just figured, next week and the next week became the upper week and then months went by. Well, I’m back now, with my tail firmly between my legs, the prodigal daughter who has become a stranger to her own blog space. I must ask forgiveness of myself for forgetting to be myself and losing one of my major forms of expression. Secondly, I must ask forgiveness of all those who I manage to entertain and have not provided this by being absent from this space.

That being said, Happy New Year!!!!
There are a whole lot of things i would love to say, where to start is my biggest dilemma. Do I start with the most recent which happened yesterday? I became public enemy number one when I dissed some members of a group on BB I got invited to. It was hilarious and I let them have it, I’m sure they wanted to kill me but hey, I have to express myself. Needless to say, they removed me from the group sharply! I still have a good laugh when I think of the things I said to them; or do I start with my anger at a film school I want to register with but they are charging an arm and leg for a month long course? This has kept me awake some nights, thinking of the different nasty words I’ll use when drafting a letter to them voicing my displeasure at them for not giving the average person a chance to learn( BLOODY CRIMINAL EXTORTIONISTS! and USELESS THEIVEING SONS OF TOILET RATS!! have been top on the list) ; or do I tell of me forcing myself to be in love with a guy?! That was extremely stupid but I figured why not fake it till I make it… well obviously I wasn’t a very good faker so, another one bit the dust…
I guess I’ll just start by saying, I’m thankful for this new year, I’m grateful I started it and God willing I’ll end it and I pray that God grants answers to my heart desires and gives me the grace to learn how to drop “self” and focus more on him. I also pray the same for you.
My theme for the year is Love, the God kind of love that's selfless and undemanding. I hear it’s the answer to everything so I figure why not try it :)
Watch this space… I’M BACK!!!