5 years of greatness... or more

I’m faced with the prospect of having a life altering illness. It is quite humbling because all i thought were important pale in comparism to the thought that i may not live past a couple of years, way less than i ever thought possible. I discovered a growth that I hoped if I ignored would go away but I was wrong, it didn’t go away, it got worse so I went to the hospital. I had a series of tests done, there is in fact a problem but I won’t know till after a few more days if I could have cancer. Plus, some doctors really need to learn the dead pan expression, instead of frightening one with a look that says, DAMN! Yet their words are, “It’s nothing to be REALLY worried about.” Sitting alone in the hospital, I kept thinking, “What do I tell my mum? I can’t tell my mum, I can’t die before my mum…” I could not wait to get out of the hospital and get some air, the place was stifling. I have been on a detox program and I haven’t eaten in two days, needless to say, on my way back from the hospital I stopped by at an eatery and bought myself some chicken, I kept thinking, life is too short and I am not dying hungry! As usual I tried to brazen it out by telling my friends at work I was dying and didn’t expect any crying at my funeral, I didn’t go to any details, I just felt the need to let some of it out. Now, sitting alone I am sad and scared and I cannot help the tears that fall, I keep telling myself it’s not yet confirmed, it will be ok but it doesn’t change the fact that I’m scared. Of all the things that should bother me, it’s the fact that I have not experienced a true love, I know, quite shameless of me, I may be dying and all I can think of is love, jeez child, get a grip! But it’s the truth, it’s what I feel and then I went on to think, I have to do something worthwhile, if I have just five years to live then I must touch lives and make them 5 years of greatness. This may all be premature but it’s what I’m feeling and I hope to God that my time isn’t limited and regardless of how much time I have or don’t have, I’m going to do all I can to leave a positive touch in people’s hearts God willing. I don’t want to be alone so I’m going to be spending time with my friends for the weekend, hopefully that should help take my mind off negative stuff and let’s hope Monday brings with it a measure of good luck and good news by God’s grace…. Whatever the case, I’m still a champion ;) xoxo PS: Starlight by Muse really does make me smile every time! Xoxoxoxox