May you find your silver lining

When did being one’s true self stop being enough?
Aren’t we supposed to be ourselves and get accepted for being ourselves?
Why is living by moral principles becoming something most people are finding too difficult to do?
When did doing the right thing start making one seem stupid?
Why do people tell lies and allow you make important decisions based on these lies?
These are a few questions that have been weighing on my mind for some days now. I found myself walking past the mirror in my room and I stopped and looked into it and the thought came to my head, “When did being you stop being enough?”
The last few days have been a bit trying for me; from coming to terms with a reality I was trying so hard to not accept to feeling bitter at a friend for something I perceived as her wrong towards me. It has been difficult and heartbreaking but in the midst of it all, there was a silver lining in the form of Elara.
Elara is a study group for young girls that I volunteer with. Saturday was my first weekend with them and I had an amazing time, it’s so refreshing being around these girls, the way they think, the things they find funny, their stubbornness and those questions that make you want to hit your head on the wall….:)
I certainly needed a bit of rescuing and just being with them helped. It made me feel good just being a part of them and trying to help out. I was a little worried at first because part of volunteering means you put yourself in a position where these girls look up to you and you basically have to become a role model of sorts. We teach them about studying, being better at whatever they do, morality and “general goodness”.
The concept of this scared me because I kept thinking, “How on earth am I going to teach them being good when I’m not good?!!" Eventually I figured that Veronica who invited me to come check them out to see if I’d be interested must have seen something good or she wouldn’t have. Plus the knowledge that I have those girls in my life now will help me be better for them and for me, so I guess it’s a win win situation.
I know I’m going to learn a lot from them and I look forward to that, I just pray that God gives me the grace to stay committed to them. It’s such a wonderful feeling doing something good just for goodness sake, no strings, nothing. This is giving me some purpose and now I can focus on someone other than myself. So, here’s to being purpose driven and finding something to do that brings us joy. Xoxo.

All the man i need - Whitney Houston

So Whitney Houston is dead.
I woke up to the news yesterday morning and I felt terrible. It’s very remarkable how you can feel so strongly for someone you never met. I may not have met her but I met her voice and the beauty she communicated with it, it was and still is pretty darn amazing.
For someone who had such a fantastic career it’s so sad that towards the end she became a shadow of herself. I kept thinking she must have OD’ed and it seems I might be right. Damn, but that woman could sing, she gave me goose bumps… I remember the first time I heard “All the man I need” I was beside myself, she sang it with so much passion I knew I had to feel that type of contentment and love in my lifetime or I’ll never die.
That woman sang the soundtrack for many lives as my friend Q aptly said. I can only hope that we look beyond her weaknesses and remember her for the beautiful songs and movies she gave us.
I wasn’t going to mention Bobby because I believe we are all responsible for our actions, good or bad. I can’t help thinking he did introduce her to that messed up way of life and he managed to get clean but she couldn’t. The thought is quite upsetting so yesterday I asked God to please help me rub pepper in his eyes. Yes, I was that upset.
The good thing is her music will remain with us for all time and hopefully she’s resting in peace in God’s bosom, away from all the drama.
Till laters, xoxo.

Contemplating....

"We must select the illusion which appeals to our temperament, and embrace it with passion, if we want to be happy." - Cyril Connolly

Just a quote i happened upon and have been contemplating. Think about it, xoxo.

The prodigal returns...

It’s been too long and it makes me wonder, how is it possible to like something and manage to forget it or let it go? I guess most times we tend to let life get the best of us and we forget the truly important things.
I for one didn’t mean to let the blog go, I just got too busy and tired for it. I’m sure I could have made the time but I just figured, next week and the next week became the upper week and then months went by. Well, I’m back now, with my tail firmly between my legs, the prodigal daughter who has become a stranger to her own blog space. I must ask forgiveness of myself for forgetting to be myself and losing one of my major forms of expression. Secondly, I must ask forgiveness of all those who I manage to entertain and have not provided this by being absent from this space.

That being said, Happy New Year!!!!
There are a whole lot of things i would love to say, where to start is my biggest dilemma. Do I start with the most recent which happened yesterday? I became public enemy number one when I dissed some members of a group on BB I got invited to. It was hilarious and I let them have it, I’m sure they wanted to kill me but hey, I have to express myself. Needless to say, they removed me from the group sharply! I still have a good laugh when I think of the things I said to them; or do I start with my anger at a film school I want to register with but they are charging an arm and leg for a month long course? This has kept me awake some nights, thinking of the different nasty words I’ll use when drafting a letter to them voicing my displeasure at them for not giving the average person a chance to learn( BLOODY CRIMINAL EXTORTIONISTS! and USELESS THEIVEING SONS OF TOILET RATS!! have been top on the list) ; or do I tell of me forcing myself to be in love with a guy?! That was extremely stupid but I figured why not fake it till I make it… well obviously I wasn’t a very good faker so, another one bit the dust…
I guess I’ll just start by saying, I’m thankful for this new year, I’m grateful I started it and God willing I’ll end it and I pray that God grants answers to my heart desires and gives me the grace to learn how to drop “self” and focus more on him. I also pray the same for you.
My theme for the year is Love, the God kind of love that's selfless and undemanding. I hear it’s the answer to everything so I figure why not try it :)
Watch this space… I’M BACK!!!