She lives to conquer

Hallelujah!! I’m not dying! I’m not dying! It’s such a relief to know I’m gonna be ok!!!!!!!! Notice my oyibo? That’s excitement!!!! Wow, now I’m thinking, “Maybe I better get back on that diet since I’m not dying just yet” but then again, I think, “Haven’t I learnt anything?” The things that seemed so trivial then, maybe they don’t really matter but the truth is while you’re alive you’re alive and you will always want to control stuff. I’m certainly not going to be starving myself anymore I’ll just remember to keep it moderate. So, work’s good, my main focus has been organizing CUSPA but we’ve moved that forward so now I’m focused on creating content for our website and that’s going pretty well so I’m quite pleased. I miss my best friend, she’s been away for too long and I miss just sitting and chilling with her. We kinda made a pact that we hope we never have to keep but we agreed that if by 40 we are still single( at this point we quickly shout God forbid) we’ll move in together and continue life together so we don’t feel lonely and sad. It’s cute but the thought of two of us single at 40 gives me serious tummy upset! But she’s the closest thing I have to a sister and I love her to death. My “friend” who I really have to give a name so I can stop writing “friend” all the time… okay, let’s call him Marcus, I like that name, don’t ask why . So I was saying, Marcus will be moving away soon and that has me very upset, I mean I knew it wasn’t going to last forever but I’m not ready to let go just yet. You may ask moving to where? Out of the country? No, it’s not out of the country but for a girl like me, the distance from Lekki to Festac could as well be out of the country. Thing is, he might have to move jobs and when he does which I hope he will because it’ll be a very great opportunity for him, he’ll have to move to Festac and work will be at Ikeja. He’s going to get extra busy and if you know anything about Lagos you’ll understand that the traffic is not child’s play at all! So, where will we find the time? He’ll have to do his thing and still make time for his girlfriend, how will I fit into that equation? In a way, this may be a good thing you know, maybe this is nature’s way of helping us let go of each other because I don’t see either one of us doing that anytime soon and how long will it be before one of us goes and says or does something totally stupid? I don’t like it but when the time comes, I’ll deal, I hope. We talked about it and he says he’s sure I’ll forget him once he moves and I counter with, he’ll be too busy to even remember me. He says the friendship doesn’t have to end because he’s moving and I say of course it doesn’t but who are we kidding? I guess time will tell. I’m not dying! That’s wonderful and those 5 great years have been extended indefinitely, God willing. Let’s hope I make the most of it… let’s pray we make the most of it…Xoxo

Listening to Give Me Love- Ed Sheeran as i write about "My Friend"

I didn’t go to get my test results yesterday, my boss resumed work after a month long leave so i had meetings all day long and my last meeting didn’t end till past 5, a little too late to get to the hospital. I’ll have to do that this morning, but I’d rather think of something else a bit more interesting, like my ‘friend’ who’s in the 3 year long very serious relationship. So, about my friend, we met through a mutual friend who warned me he had a girlfriend but gave him my bb pin because he thought I was cool after our first meeting. I didn’t mind, being the vain child that I am, I don’t mind anyone who thinks I’m cool  Anyways, we chatted for a few months and didn’t get the chance to see because I was always busy but eventually we did and I was my ridiculously charming self and of course he wanted to hang out again ;). It all started with him saying he wanted a movie partner and since I love the movies, it didn’t seem like a bad idea so we started going to see movies together and it swiftly progressed to all sorts of hang outs and to be honest, I’ve had a very fantastic time. I must confess though, we kissed once but that night I was a little, okay maybe a lot tipsy and I don’t really remember what the kiss felt like something I am very irritated by because later in the day, we had a sit down to discuss it and we both agreed it could never happen again. I know most people won’t approve of this alliance, especially since he keeps going on about how much he loves his girlfriend and how she’s his best friend. It would be smart to ask what I am then, his distraction? At this point, let me go into why I’m in it; he gives me something that I need, he gives me companionship. He’s very willing to spend time with me and I like that because If I didn’t have him in my life, there would be no one and I would probably be dwelling and upset that I didn’t have any one special. That’s why when my friends say he’s using me, I say maybe so, but is he the only one doing the using? We spend time together, he takes me places, we gist, we play and we enjoy each others company a lot and if that’s all I can get, then for right now it works for me. I know what it feels like to be lonely and right now I don’t feel lonely and for me that’s a blessing. Yes, it’s not perfect; we both do our own thing and the times he hangs out with his girlfriend gives me more time to do my own thing. There are those times when I try not to contact him because I feel like I may be intruding but somehow we always manage to make time for each other. I’ve also thought of the fact that chances are he may want to get married sometime soon and this has made me determined to find someone because at the end of the day he has someone to go back to and I want that for myself as well. Make no mistake, I’m not looking to break his relationship, far from it but I’m glad for his presence, I’m not totally lonesome! That is the most important thing, he fills a void and for right now, I’m just being happy. I understand how short life is now and I’m going to take my happiness wherever I can get it until we both have to move on. I know at some point this will end and when it does, I will walk away but for now I’m enjoying this. I’m very open to meeting someone but until that happens I’m not going to be sitting somewhere, wallowing, I’m going to be making the most of what I have. The only danger lies in me becoming too attached to him, I know there’s the risk of that happening, I’m not naïve, spending that much time with someone and talking and chatting with them every day opens one up to such possibilities but I made a promise to my friend, I told her if I ever catch myself getting too attached I would walk and I meant it. I felt the need to reflect on my life, my illness and him so i decided i would turn my phones off over the weekend and be free of distractions and my world for some days. I sent him a message just before I did saying he wouldn’t be able to reach me and turned the phones off before he could respond. Needless to say, he was upset but in a way that was me trying to put a bit of distance between us, a way of telling myself I can walk away when the time comes. He did not find it in the least bit funny but I have to protect myself, sort of… Well, life continues, I get to know my fate today and God willing, fingers crossed I’ll be doing the samba come mid day;) Xoxo. PS: Give Me Love by Ed Sheeran is amazing!

5 years of greatness... or more

I’m faced with the prospect of having a life altering illness. It is quite humbling because all i thought were important pale in comparism to the thought that i may not live past a couple of years, way less than i ever thought possible. I discovered a growth that I hoped if I ignored would go away but I was wrong, it didn’t go away, it got worse so I went to the hospital. I had a series of tests done, there is in fact a problem but I won’t know till after a few more days if I could have cancer. Plus, some doctors really need to learn the dead pan expression, instead of frightening one with a look that says, DAMN! Yet their words are, “It’s nothing to be REALLY worried about.” Sitting alone in the hospital, I kept thinking, “What do I tell my mum? I can’t tell my mum, I can’t die before my mum…” I could not wait to get out of the hospital and get some air, the place was stifling. I have been on a detox program and I haven’t eaten in two days, needless to say, on my way back from the hospital I stopped by at an eatery and bought myself some chicken, I kept thinking, life is too short and I am not dying hungry! As usual I tried to brazen it out by telling my friends at work I was dying and didn’t expect any crying at my funeral, I didn’t go to any details, I just felt the need to let some of it out. Now, sitting alone I am sad and scared and I cannot help the tears that fall, I keep telling myself it’s not yet confirmed, it will be ok but it doesn’t change the fact that I’m scared. Of all the things that should bother me, it’s the fact that I have not experienced a true love, I know, quite shameless of me, I may be dying and all I can think of is love, jeez child, get a grip! But it’s the truth, it’s what I feel and then I went on to think, I have to do something worthwhile, if I have just five years to live then I must touch lives and make them 5 years of greatness. This may all be premature but it’s what I’m feeling and I hope to God that my time isn’t limited and regardless of how much time I have or don’t have, I’m going to do all I can to leave a positive touch in people’s hearts God willing. I don’t want to be alone so I’m going to be spending time with my friends for the weekend, hopefully that should help take my mind off negative stuff and let’s hope Monday brings with it a measure of good luck and good news by God’s grace…. Whatever the case, I’m still a champion ;) xoxo PS: Starlight by Muse really does make me smile every time! Xoxoxoxox

Love, likeness, chemistry or whatever you want to call it..

I’m sitting in front of my laptop, fingers crossed under my chin and trying to figure out where to start from. Truth of the matter is I’ve been all over the place, emotion wise that is, well physically I’ve been doing a bit of travelling but for now I’ll focus on the emotional whirlwind I got caught up in. The worst is over or maybe just starting but I guess I’ll know in time. Over the past months, I’ve managed to resurrect a dysfunctional relationship with a total retard, start a new relationship which officially labeled me girlfriend and start another new relationship where I’m just “friends” with a guy I talk with everyday and see regularly who’s in a very serious 3 year relationship…. Yeah, I’ve been really busy… So, let me begin with my boyfriend, he’s a family friend which is the major reason why I began to listen to him when he started calling and wanting to get closer. After about a month of calling, he badgered and pestered saying we had to define what we had. I’m not big on labels so I didn’t really care, I’m more of a show me and actions type of gal as opposed to people declaring with words alone. Well, he kept insisting and eventually, I agreed for us to be labeled boyfriend and girlfriend. I should have known from the way I felt that that was a big mistake but hey, I figured he was ok to talk with and he also made lofty declarations of love and sharing our lives together. Sure he was a little self absorbed and had more than a few lame jokes but who isn’t a bit self absorbed and doesn’t miss the mark with some jokes every now and then? I also figured he was ambitious and hardworking so, what the hell, I’ll go for it at least if we get married he’ll be a provider. Now, to the day when I agreed to be his “girlfriend”, immediately afterwards, I pretty much went into a panic attack, all I could think was, “What have I done? What if I hurt him? What am I doing?!!” I call my best friend and left a message, she calls back in a panic asking if I was ok. After I told her I was in a relationship, she cursed me, laughed and asked if that was why I sounded like someone had died. I guess what I’m saying is I was so not excited or happy, it was like I just signed my death warrant or something just as bad! Despite this, I went on, I called him he called me, after two weeks I broke up with him then after some days decided I was not a quitter, called him to make amends and after a couple of weeks I stopped calling, I guess it didn’t help that I had a bit of distraction in the form of my new “friend”. Well, needless to say it all fizzled out, the only annoying part is the fact that I at least did not claim love but for someone who had visions of us being together, it took him no time at all to fall out of his so called love. I remember the day I stopped by his office, when I saw him walking towards me; I panicked, jumped into the car and asked the driver to drive off! Crazy I know, well my driver had more sense than I did and told me I couldn’t just leave so I got out of the car, pasted a huge fake smile on my face and said a too bright “Hey, how you doing!” I guess the point of this is you can’t, or rather should not be with someone for calculated reasons. If you don’t feel it, let it go, if your heart’s not in it then you should not be in it. You cannot begin a relationship with tolerating a guy or girl. You should see everything at the beginning with rose tinted shades until reality sets in but you can’t start off with trying to tolerate anyone. Sure we calculate stuff like,” Is he hard working? Does he have a job?” Those things are important, no one wants to be with a loafer but I honestly believe that the most important thing is a measure of love or likeness or chemistry or whatever you want to call it. It is not okay to be with someone because of what you feel you can get or benefit without actually having any real feelings, at some point it gets exhausting. Even relationships that start off with full scale love, butterflies in my tummy kind of things get tiring after some time. You need that love, likeness, chemistry or whatever you want to call it for the rough times, to remind you why you even bothered to start at all. In reference to my earlier statement about the worst being over or maybe just starting, it has a lot to do with my “friend” who’s in a relationship that I spend a lot of time with. I’ll go into details about it next time but suffice it to say that if it’s not handled properly it could result in major drama. But hey, what’s life without a bit of drama right? Till the next time, don’t stop loving! Xoxo.

What i say- Ray Charles

Ok, I’m probably way behind with this one, no, scratch that, I’m so way behind with this one but I just discovered, “What I say by Ray Charles” Yay!! That's the coolest thing about music, its there for all time and you can discover it whenever you do and enjoy whenever you want. So, i just discovered "What i say" and it is fantastic! It makes you want to move and the best part is the ooohhhing and ahhhing! Whoohoo! Lol. It’s a feel good, pick me up when I’m down song, from the instrumentals at the beginning, Ray’s singing, everything! I hear it and I just want to shake, like dance with total abandon, throw your head back dance, and laugh and dance!!! Lol! Someone who’s totally clueless about dancing can dance to this song; it teaches you how to dance. It’s truly beautiful, that’s the magic of music I guess… If you haven’t heard it, don’t just sit there! Go find it and dance and laugh! Lol. Trust me you won’t regret it Xoxo.