Love, likeness, chemistry or whatever you want to call it..

I’m sitting in front of my laptop, fingers crossed under my chin and trying to figure out where to start from. Truth of the matter is I’ve been all over the place, emotion wise that is, well physically I’ve been doing a bit of travelling but for now I’ll focus on the emotional whirlwind I got caught up in. The worst is over or maybe just starting but I guess I’ll know in time. Over the past months, I’ve managed to resurrect a dysfunctional relationship with a total retard, start a new relationship which officially labeled me girlfriend and start another new relationship where I’m just “friends” with a guy I talk with everyday and see regularly who’s in a very serious 3 year relationship…. Yeah, I’ve been really busy… So, let me begin with my boyfriend, he’s a family friend which is the major reason why I began to listen to him when he started calling and wanting to get closer. After about a month of calling, he badgered and pestered saying we had to define what we had. I’m not big on labels so I didn’t really care, I’m more of a show me and actions type of gal as opposed to people declaring with words alone. Well, he kept insisting and eventually, I agreed for us to be labeled boyfriend and girlfriend. I should have known from the way I felt that that was a big mistake but hey, I figured he was ok to talk with and he also made lofty declarations of love and sharing our lives together. Sure he was a little self absorbed and had more than a few lame jokes but who isn’t a bit self absorbed and doesn’t miss the mark with some jokes every now and then? I also figured he was ambitious and hardworking so, what the hell, I’ll go for it at least if we get married he’ll be a provider. Now, to the day when I agreed to be his “girlfriend”, immediately afterwards, I pretty much went into a panic attack, all I could think was, “What have I done? What if I hurt him? What am I doing?!!” I call my best friend and left a message, she calls back in a panic asking if I was ok. After I told her I was in a relationship, she cursed me, laughed and asked if that was why I sounded like someone had died. I guess what I’m saying is I was so not excited or happy, it was like I just signed my death warrant or something just as bad! Despite this, I went on, I called him he called me, after two weeks I broke up with him then after some days decided I was not a quitter, called him to make amends and after a couple of weeks I stopped calling, I guess it didn’t help that I had a bit of distraction in the form of my new “friend”. Well, needless to say it all fizzled out, the only annoying part is the fact that I at least did not claim love but for someone who had visions of us being together, it took him no time at all to fall out of his so called love. I remember the day I stopped by his office, when I saw him walking towards me; I panicked, jumped into the car and asked the driver to drive off! Crazy I know, well my driver had more sense than I did and told me I couldn’t just leave so I got out of the car, pasted a huge fake smile on my face and said a too bright “Hey, how you doing!” I guess the point of this is you can’t, or rather should not be with someone for calculated reasons. If you don’t feel it, let it go, if your heart’s not in it then you should not be in it. You cannot begin a relationship with tolerating a guy or girl. You should see everything at the beginning with rose tinted shades until reality sets in but you can’t start off with trying to tolerate anyone. Sure we calculate stuff like,” Is he hard working? Does he have a job?” Those things are important, no one wants to be with a loafer but I honestly believe that the most important thing is a measure of love or likeness or chemistry or whatever you want to call it. It is not okay to be with someone because of what you feel you can get or benefit without actually having any real feelings, at some point it gets exhausting. Even relationships that start off with full scale love, butterflies in my tummy kind of things get tiring after some time. You need that love, likeness, chemistry or whatever you want to call it for the rough times, to remind you why you even bothered to start at all. In reference to my earlier statement about the worst being over or maybe just starting, it has a lot to do with my “friend” who’s in a relationship that I spend a lot of time with. I’ll go into details about it next time but suffice it to say that if it’s not handled properly it could result in major drama. But hey, what’s life without a bit of drama right? Till the next time, don’t stop loving! Xoxo.