Changes

I’m scared

I have to move and it worries me because this was never my plan. I didn’t think I’d ever have to move back to my mother’s but I am. But somehow, I think it’ll all be okay. I have to believe it'll be okay. It’s just that moving back to my mum's feels like regression and it scares me. I guess this New Year will bring a lot of new beginnings…. Starting now…

Changes...

Still

Things were just beginning to get better.

I finally decided to write a book, it’s supposed to be on life generally and will touch every aspect of it from spirituality to relationships. I started on Sunday and I’ve written 4 pages, pretty slow right? I only write whenever I get inspiration and I also have to juggle work too. I’m a little scared, what if I start this and don’t finish it? I tend to do that a lot, get all fired up about something and then lose interest almost as fast. I want to stay committed to this but I’m worried I may lose it at some point. I need God’s grace to help me finish it, even if it never gets published, I want to be able to say I started something and saw it through to the end. So, here’s to seeing it through to the end. God help me.

Anyways, I’m doing great and I’ve decided to focus outwards instead of inwards and on all my problems, real or imagined. I’ve also decided to give more attention to the other guys in my life. The way I keep going on about Marcus you’d think he’s the only guy in my life but that’s actually not true. There are a few men vying for my attention but I chose to ignore them but now, I’m giving them as much of my attention as I can distribute!

So, one of my admirers( yes, people do admire me) calls me yesterday and he said to have drinks after work the next day but I said I couldn’t because I had an open mic event to attend with another admirer( yup, they’re up to 2 :) ). So he says, “Fine, we’ll do lunch instead, call me when you’re free, decide what you want to have and we’ll go anyplace of your choice.” I think to myself, “Great, there are a couple new places I’ve been meaning to try and the distraction is most welcome.”

I was feeling good about my date because the guy always makes me laugh and although he can be a little loud, he’s ok. Then I get a call from my best friend, she introduced me to Marcus and she goes ahead to say how they’re not speaking because he accused her of being antagonistic. She said she was just being her usual playful self, teasing him and he took it personally and she didn’t get it. He told her to just say what’s on her mind and stop taking unnecessary digs at him and she felt bad that he would think she would do that instead of out rightly taking him up on whatever issues she had. Point is, the conversation did not go well and now they aren’t speaking. I figure he feels guilty about us and he knows that my friend knows but hasn’t brought it up and he was trying to get her to go there. Unfortunately, my friend does not operate like that, she’s not given to games and if you want to say something you better come out with it and forget all the mind games.

Now I’m back to feeling terrible for putting a strain on their relationship, she was never supposed to get caught in the middle. I know she was worried about that at some point, because she cares about both of us and wouldn’t want to take sides if things go wrong. I’m trying to decide if I should talk to Marcus, he’s very close mouthed and stubborn and I don’t want to make things worse but I can’t pretend like I don’t know that things aren’t right between them.

This does not feel like moving on….Xoxo

Alternate Reality

I saw Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2, for the second time last night and I still loved it!!! After I got home, I as usual proceeded to day dream and I got to thinking, what if there is an alternate reality where all the characters we know, from Superman, Sleeping Beauty, Wolverine to Edward and Bella existed?! Let’s not forget that with the good comes the bad so we’d have guys like Darkside, The Joker, Magneto, the Voltarie, the Evil Witch… Would you want to live in a world like that? And for you to exist there you’d have to have some super power or something, what would it be? Would you pick a power that already exists or create yours? Personally, I’d like to be a hybrid of sorts, a vampire werewolf and shape shifter combined! Lol, I’d be wickedly awesome!! And of course, i'd be going with the coolest and bestest of them all, Superman! Move over Lois, this is real love!! Lol. Just something to think about when you get a little bored. Lovely weekend y'all Xoxo.

Time for everything

Why are some of us so stubborn? Why is it that the very thing we want is the one thing we shouldn’t? Why do we walk obstinately with eyes wide shut into a potentially volatile situation? Why do we try so hard to hold onto something or someone despite everyone saying we should let go and we know that we should? Masochism? Perhaps the challenge it brings? More like downright stupidity? If you’ve got it all figured out, please share this very critical information with me. I don’t feel very great, to be honest, I’m holding myself together and absolutely refusing to give into sadness and it gets hard. I guess it’s okay to be sad and it’s okay to be silly sometimes, as long as we don’t wallow in it. The wallowing I believe is where the problem lies; we get to wallowing and forget to get out of it. We all need time to be sad, to grieve, cleanse ourselves and move on. Personally, I think we also need a little help, in the form of a good friend who’ll listen to us rant and wail; a couple shots of my other friend Tequila, Uncle JD or my man VK; some music to go with the mood; some prayer… whatever it is, don’t do it alone, get help and remember, dont wallow! My God father used to say to me, you are not an island, no man is an island; I believe him now. I kinda feel better now after writing; let me also add that the last bit to the earlier Dead Man Walking was me adding my cheesy corny lines to the song. I totally ruined it but I was in the moment and had to add my own 2 cents ;) It will all be ok… sooner than you imagine. Xoxo

Dead Man Walking- The Script

I hear the angels talking talking talking; Now I'm a dead man walking walking walking; I hear the angels talking talking talking; Now I'm a dead man; We're in the same room just one million miles away; With all these books around but we ain't got two words to say; Am I a dead man now, left living with the shame? I'm... Already broken, already gone; Already know you're moving on; I'm a breathing, talking; Dead man, walking; Already see it, in your face; Already someone, in my place; I'm a breathing, talking; Dead man, walking; .......................... I’m so sad with no words left; Just my memories and time left; If only things could be different, if only I could make you mine; Then maybe I wouldn’t feel like a dead man walking.. xoxo

Letting go

For starters, work is great, I feel like I’ve been pushing myself a bit more and it feels wonderful. Marcus and I have had our break up before we even started dating talk and it has not changed a darn thing. We still manage to accidentally fall on each other’s faces *rolling my eyes* how can a girl like me who I thought, (note the use of the past tense) I thought I was smart, so it’s amazing how I managed to get myself into this crappy situation. It feels like whenever I believe we are done and I’m finally moving on, I get roped back in and I swear it’s getting really annoying and I have no one to blame but myself. I have never been one to pass judgement, I try really hard not to because I always believe if you aren’t wearing the shoe…. And this situation has given me a new found appreciation as to why some people do stupid things. Sometimes they just do. It just is, I don’t know how to explain it and I know it sounds stupid but some things just are until they aren’t. This craziness with Marcus just is until it will cease to be and I need to find a way to really end it and keep it ended. The truth of the matter is, I know what I need to do and I also know that doing it will cost me my friend and I’m not ready to lose that. I wish everything was simple, I wish … I’m pretty sure God is tired of me and my silliness, he’s probably looking at me and thinking, “Which kain pikin be this abeg?!” Because I have begged him, tried to bribe him and all sorts because of this Marcus situation! Lord help me!!!!! Oh well, what is my life without the ever constant drama, my friend seems to think I thrive on it but I don’t agree, I don’t need to feel like my stomach is dropping to my feet or my heart is jumping out of my chest all the time! Ok, maybe not all the time… Point is, i need a drama free distraction. I started Salsa classes on Wednesday and it was amazing! Maybe it’s the distraction I need if I take it seriously enough. I learnt the basic steps, made a fool of myself a few times, got swung around which felt so liberating! Danced and just had a wonderful time, it felt so good and I can’t wait to do it again today. For the record, the classes happen at Lagoon Restaurant which is on Ozumba at VI on Wednesdays and Fridays if you want to try it out. Back to work xoxo PS: You can feel free to pray for me!

When plans go awry

Alright, so, I didn’t end things with Marcus. It was not because I chickened out, but because I didn’t get to see him. I had to work late, I had an impromptu meeting that went on till it was almost 8 and I couldn’t make the movie. Meanwhile, he waited for me for over 3 hours! Needless to say he was upset. I felt really bad and I kept thinking to myself, “You had a date to go break up with someone you’re not even dating and didn’t have the decency to show up for the darn date!!!” Now I’m in appeasing mode! I’ve been apologising and now I’m hoping everything will just go downhill from here on… A friend of mine who knows of the whole Marcus drama says I should just get mad at him, I should find reasons to be upset, rant at him and then shut him out and keep forming vex! She says it’s the only way I’ll be able to let him go but I can’t do that, this is Marcus, he doesn’t deserve all that unnecessary drama… I was all set with my big girl pants yesterday to do what needed to be done but I think I lost the pants last night and with it went all my liver, mojo or whatever you want to call it. I hate when you have everything all planned out and then fate just decides, no way is that plan working! And screws all your plans and you’re left looking lost and bewildered like, what the hell just happened?!! I was in the perfect frame of mind to do this yesterday and I lost the opportunity now I have to strategize again! Anyways, right now I am just going to ride this out for today and avoid him, except perhaps to call once and apologise again for making him wait and not show up and then that’s it…. This makes me wonder though, is it really true then that men and women can’t be friends…? Just thinking… xoxo

My Life.... Blessed, yet complicated.

Wow, it’s been too long! I swear every day I thought of just writing but somehow I didn’t get around to it. My life has been a series of ups and downs and I got older! I mean that literally, my birthday was on Saturday and it was a very cool day. I got calls, messages, I felt so loved and didn’t want the day to end but it did and it did in a simply ridiculous way! First and foremost, I am so thankful for life and the blessings God has bestowed on me. I have a wonderful family; brilliant friends; a job that pays; a love for music that always brings me joy; despite my sweet tooth, I am not yet a size 14! Mehn, I have an absolute lot to be thankful for and I praise God! I have had all sorts of experiences in the last couple of weeks that knowing where to start is a bit overwhelming. Do I start from my “experience/encounter” with God? Yup! I had one of those and it was pretty amazing! Or do I start with my roller coaster relationship with Marcus, remember him? Or do I talk about how my retail therapy has got both my accounts flashing red and I’m about to go into a major panic?! Or do I talk of the cockroach I met who had the nerve to say girls raised by single mothers were immoral?! I swear I almost slapped that moron, who of course didn’t know I was raised by my mum, the daft punk! I’ll start with the most inspiring and amazing. I was set to see a movie and have dinner afterwards with Marcus and I kept having this feeling or should I say hearing, “cancel” I kept trying to shut it out until I finally decided to pray about it. I spoke to God and I said to him, "Dear Lord, you know your daughter, my head can be such a cluttered, jumbled mess and right now if you’re speaking to me I need to be sure because I’m going to blame not listening on not being sure if it was really you, plus, this is Marcus we’re talking about, I cannot cancel on him! So, what I need you to do is get him to cancel instead and help me know that you were truly speaking to me." After my prayers, I got about my business and in less than 15 minutes, Marcus sends me a message saying he had to cancel our movie! Can you believe that?!!!!!! I was in absolute shock! I kept thinking, God does speak to me and he actually hears and responds!!!! Isn’t that amazing? It was such a wonderful experience! It didn’t even matter that he cancelled because I knew it was God’s will, I just felt immense joy that God could actually listen to and reach me despite my “scatteredness”. I haven’t gotten over that high and I hope that I continue to hear from him so I pray for the grace to be open enough that he can reach me and I can hear him, not just that but I pray for the courage to do as he says. Now, to more depressing stuff, Marcus…. We did not speak for 3 weeks! Anyways, that’s over, we’re more than speaking now but, we went through a rough patch were we stopped speaking and chatting like we used to and I swear I thought I would die, and kill someone just before I did. Strange yeah? For people who claim to be just friends, that not speaking or chatting would have such an effect on me. I decided to stop faffing around and at least stop lying to myself, I like him, there, I said it, I not only like him, I really like him and I am so free with him and it’s just ridiculous because I haven’t felt this way in a very long time, that’s if I’ve ever felt this way… Anyways, we’re talking now and everything was as awesome as it was before, only now we’re kissing! First on my birthday, then the day after! The birthday kiss I can blame on alcohol but the day after, that was all me*I’m covering my face in shame* . I told my best friend we kissed and she said ok… and then I said it was on several occasions on different days and she literally paused and took a picture so I could see the shock on her face! Lol, I had to laugh at that, she’s so silly I love her. At this point, I know what I need to do, do I want to do it? Hell no! Do I have to do it? Hell yeah. Damn it! I finally meet someone I can just chill and be myself with who also likes spending time with me and takes me as I am and who is a pretty good kisser too and he conveniently has to have a girlfriend, a serious one for that matter! I don’t even know where to even begin to try to compete with that and I have no intention of trying to. I just want to scream, “Why always me!!!” So, my plan is to call it all off with him, I can’t see him anymore because at this point we both understand we can’t just be friends. In all honesty, it all started innocently but I guess we kinda grew on each other, this was never the plan. I will not be the other woman, I will not let him be the kind of guy who cheats on his girlfriend and I will not have my heart broken. I’m too old for that BS! Calling it off is going to be hard and since I came to the decision to do it when we meet tonight, I’ve had a sinking feeling in my tummy and smiling seems like a pretty hard thing to do. I’ve only thought of changing my mind and not doing it once, that’s a good thing, right? So I’m sitting here listening to Say When on repeat, trying to work, trying to write and knowing this could possibly be the beginning of miserable days ahead. I will miss him terribly and I almost wish I were the kind of girl who can be with a guy regardless of whether he’s available or not but I can’t do that. I wonder what his reaction will be…. Oh well, I’m putting on my big girl pants and taking charge, a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do. I think the worst part of it all was him being within my reach and yet out of my reach because I always knew he wasn’t mine to hold on to…. Kinda like dangling food in front of a hungry person who has tied their teeth, very cruel. Courage Lord, I ask for courage to do what I need to do. I wish things were different but I guess this is my reality and I have to deal with it. Maybe someday, this will all count for something…xoxo