My Life.... Blessed, yet complicated.

Wow, it’s been too long! I swear every day I thought of just writing but somehow I didn’t get around to it. My life has been a series of ups and downs and I got older! I mean that literally, my birthday was on Saturday and it was a very cool day. I got calls, messages, I felt so loved and didn’t want the day to end but it did and it did in a simply ridiculous way! First and foremost, I am so thankful for life and the blessings God has bestowed on me. I have a wonderful family; brilliant friends; a job that pays; a love for music that always brings me joy; despite my sweet tooth, I am not yet a size 14! Mehn, I have an absolute lot to be thankful for and I praise God! I have had all sorts of experiences in the last couple of weeks that knowing where to start is a bit overwhelming. Do I start from my “experience/encounter” with God? Yup! I had one of those and it was pretty amazing! Or do I start with my roller coaster relationship with Marcus, remember him? Or do I talk about how my retail therapy has got both my accounts flashing red and I’m about to go into a major panic?! Or do I talk of the cockroach I met who had the nerve to say girls raised by single mothers were immoral?! I swear I almost slapped that moron, who of course didn’t know I was raised by my mum, the daft punk! I’ll start with the most inspiring and amazing. I was set to see a movie and have dinner afterwards with Marcus and I kept having this feeling or should I say hearing, “cancel” I kept trying to shut it out until I finally decided to pray about it. I spoke to God and I said to him, "Dear Lord, you know your daughter, my head can be such a cluttered, jumbled mess and right now if you’re speaking to me I need to be sure because I’m going to blame not listening on not being sure if it was really you, plus, this is Marcus we’re talking about, I cannot cancel on him! So, what I need you to do is get him to cancel instead and help me know that you were truly speaking to me." After my prayers, I got about my business and in less than 15 minutes, Marcus sends me a message saying he had to cancel our movie! Can you believe that?!!!!!! I was in absolute shock! I kept thinking, God does speak to me and he actually hears and responds!!!! Isn’t that amazing? It was such a wonderful experience! It didn’t even matter that he cancelled because I knew it was God’s will, I just felt immense joy that God could actually listen to and reach me despite my “scatteredness”. I haven’t gotten over that high and I hope that I continue to hear from him so I pray for the grace to be open enough that he can reach me and I can hear him, not just that but I pray for the courage to do as he says. Now, to more depressing stuff, Marcus…. We did not speak for 3 weeks! Anyways, that’s over, we’re more than speaking now but, we went through a rough patch were we stopped speaking and chatting like we used to and I swear I thought I would die, and kill someone just before I did. Strange yeah? For people who claim to be just friends, that not speaking or chatting would have such an effect on me. I decided to stop faffing around and at least stop lying to myself, I like him, there, I said it, I not only like him, I really like him and I am so free with him and it’s just ridiculous because I haven’t felt this way in a very long time, that’s if I’ve ever felt this way… Anyways, we’re talking now and everything was as awesome as it was before, only now we’re kissing! First on my birthday, then the day after! The birthday kiss I can blame on alcohol but the day after, that was all me*I’m covering my face in shame* . I told my best friend we kissed and she said ok… and then I said it was on several occasions on different days and she literally paused and took a picture so I could see the shock on her face! Lol, I had to laugh at that, she’s so silly I love her. At this point, I know what I need to do, do I want to do it? Hell no! Do I have to do it? Hell yeah. Damn it! I finally meet someone I can just chill and be myself with who also likes spending time with me and takes me as I am and who is a pretty good kisser too and he conveniently has to have a girlfriend, a serious one for that matter! I don’t even know where to even begin to try to compete with that and I have no intention of trying to. I just want to scream, “Why always me!!!” So, my plan is to call it all off with him, I can’t see him anymore because at this point we both understand we can’t just be friends. In all honesty, it all started innocently but I guess we kinda grew on each other, this was never the plan. I will not be the other woman, I will not let him be the kind of guy who cheats on his girlfriend and I will not have my heart broken. I’m too old for that BS! Calling it off is going to be hard and since I came to the decision to do it when we meet tonight, I’ve had a sinking feeling in my tummy and smiling seems like a pretty hard thing to do. I’ve only thought of changing my mind and not doing it once, that’s a good thing, right? So I’m sitting here listening to Say When on repeat, trying to work, trying to write and knowing this could possibly be the beginning of miserable days ahead. I will miss him terribly and I almost wish I were the kind of girl who can be with a guy regardless of whether he’s available or not but I can’t do that. I wonder what his reaction will be…. Oh well, I’m putting on my big girl pants and taking charge, a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do. I think the worst part of it all was him being within my reach and yet out of my reach because I always knew he wasn’t mine to hold on to…. Kinda like dangling food in front of a hungry person who has tied their teeth, very cruel. Courage Lord, I ask for courage to do what I need to do. I wish things were different but I guess this is my reality and I have to deal with it. Maybe someday, this will all count for something…xoxo