Lost

I made it back.

Now, what to say...

It's been so long and sometimes, life takes a toll on you.

I guess i could say i started to feel lost after my first kid. Everything shifted, my world pretty much turned on its axis. I was no longer the center of my world, she became it and soon after, i completely fell off the map. I lost myself, i knew it was bad when i realized i had lost music.

I knew that music called out to me but it was like hearing an echo of a voice, it was a faint call, like a weak nudge and every time i felt it, i felt guilty because i knew something was not quite right with me. I stopped actively searching out music, i stopped listening to music, i stopped feeling music. Music had always been an essential part of my existence, it was at my core and i had managed to let it go.

This isn't normal, you're not supposed to loose yourself this way, it's wrong. A part of me feels like i went into hiding. I really haven't searched deep enough to know what i was running from but, something was definitely up.

I love my daughters, they are my greatest accomplishments in life and i cant imagine my life without either one of them but i do not want them to be my only achievements in life. I want to do more with myself.

Now, where to start...

PS: My song to describe how i connected with my first daughter was Erin McCarley's- What I Needed. I played it to her almost every day when she was in me and couldn't wait to remind her of it when she came out into the world. Unfortunately, by the time i had my second daughter i had lost my form of expression, i had no song for her. I'm working on changing that though.